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Humourous Quotes |
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(Homepage - http://www.shirleyjbutler.ic24.net)
Quotes from loadsa people Here is some of the funniest things that I have ever read. If you don't find any of this funny then you are likely to be dead from the neck up. Personally, I like quotes, they are fun to read. I think the most funniest quotes are the simplest ones - the ones that are so simple and obvious that you can't really comprehend why you didn't think of them first.
Science oriented quotes "If you were to invent a liquid that could disolve anything, what the hell would you keep it in."
Computer oriented quotes "Who is General
Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?" "Microsoft: This
company has performed an illegal operation and must be shut down. If the
problem persists then please call the Department of Justice." "Windows 95 is
not a virus. Viruses do something." "It has been
said that if you have an infinite number of monkeys, each one with a computer,
then at some time or another they will eventually write a literary masterpiece.
The Internet has proved that this is not the case." "If you receive
an email with a subject of 'Badtimes' delete it immediately without reading
it. This is the most dangerous virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive.
Not only that, but it will recalibrate your refrigerator's settings so
all your ice cream goes melty, drink all your beer, make you fall in love
with a penguin, give you nightmares about circus midgets, leave your toilet
seat up, and kill your dog." In life: You spill
your cereal at breakfast, you get fired from your job, your dog dies,
and your house burns down. "Computers are
useless. They can only give you answers." "Programming today is a
race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof
programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far,
the Universe is winning." "Computer dating is fine,
if you're a computer." "All sorts of computer errors
are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim
they are treating pregnant men." "To err is human,
but to really foul things up you need a computer." "Beware of computer
programmers that carry screwdrivers." "UNIX is basically
a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the
simplicity." "The perfect computer
has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come
out again." "The most overlooked
advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law
against whacking them around a bit." "The trouble with the Internet
is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity."
Quotes about other people by other people "A fellow with the
inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy
Duck." "When they asked Jack
Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents
and moved in." "Martin's acting is
so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing." "Boy George is all
England needs - another queen who can't dress." "He moves like a parody
between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire." "Most of the time
he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper." "Spielberg isn't a
filmmaker, he's a confectioner." "What makes him think
a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in
politics?"
Miscellaneous quotes "Those are my principles.
If you don't like them I have others." "The English country
gentleman galloping after a fox - The unspeakable in full pursuit of the
uneatable." "She had lost the
art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech." "The nice thing about
being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault."
"Cockroaches and socialites
are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything." "The cocktail party
is a device for paying off obligations to people you don't want to invite
for dinner." "Experience is the
name every one gives to their mistakes." "As yet, Bernard Shaw
hasn't become prominent enough to have any enemies, but none of his friends
like him." "It always rains on
tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds
for the opportunity to rain on a tent." "I don't care to belong
to a club that accepts people like me as members." "If you're going to
do something tonight that you'll be be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep
late." "Clothes make the
man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." "A positive attitude
will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make
it worth the effort." "Those who can do,
those who can't teach." "Human beings, who
are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of
others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." "I always arrive late
at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." "It is better to be
beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly." "To be positive is
to be mistaken at the top of one's voice." "There is only one
thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked
about." "Last week I stated
that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been
visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement." "I never forget a
face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." "The statistics on
sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some
form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay,
then it's you." "My advice to you
is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll
become a philosopher." "Don't knock masturbation,
it's sex with someone I love ." "Life is a sexually
transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent." "Descended from the
apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that
it may not become generally known." "There are lies, damned
lies and statistics." "I am an expert of electricity.
My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison." "An intellectual is someone
who has found something more interesting than sex." "You ask me if I keep a
notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one." "The secret of creativity
is knowing how to hide your sources." "Chaos Theory is a new theory
invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning
to understand the old ones." "If everything seems under
control, you're just not going fast enough." "Sure, luck means
a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck." "Someone threw a petrol
bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!" "Nobody has ever bet enough
on a winning horse." "Show me a man who is a
good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss." "Of course I have played
outdoor games. I once played dominoes in an open air cafe in Paris." "Some people think football
is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that."
"I failed to make the chess
team because of my height." WC Fields. "Some mornings, it's just
not worth chewing through the leather straps." "If it weren't for electricity
we'd all be watching television by candlelight." "There's so much pollution
in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it
all." "Not only is life a bitch,
it has puppies." "We live in an age when
pizza gets to your home before the police." "If your parents never had
children, chances are you won't either." "I'm desperately trying
to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." "Did you ever walk in a
room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
"Now they show you how detergents
take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a
T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe
you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." "You can tell German wine
from vinegar by the label" "A Lawyer will do anything
to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." "This is the sixth book
I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two." "I like children - fried."
"When a man steals your
wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." "Some are born great, some
achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers." "A sure cure for seasickness
is to sit under a tree." "If bullshit was music,
that fellow would be a brass band." "The Irish gave the
bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet."
"I heard that the
Scots stole the bagpipes from the Irish. The Irish, however, got their
revenge. They didn't try to get them back." "All are lunatics, but he
who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher" "Why don't they make the
whole plane out of that black box stuff." "You can get much further
with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." "I went to a fight the other
night and a hockey game broke out." "Sarah Brightman couldn't
act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the morning." "The most hazardous part
of our expedition to Africa was crossing Piccadilly Circus." "No man is an island, but
some of us are pretty long peninsulas." "I rob banks because
that's where the money is." "A bore is a man who, when
you ask him how he is, tells you." "Sleep is an excellent way
of listening to an opera." "If you've got them by the
balls their hearts and minds will follow." "You cannot have everything.
I mean, where would you put it?" "The trouble with children
is that they're not returnable." "Where there is no patrol
car, there is no speed limit." "Money is better than
poverty, if only for financial reasons." "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." "Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions." I can resist everything
except temptation." "Time is never wasted when
you're wasted all the time."
Drugs related quotes "I hate to advocate drugs,
alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
"Cocaine is God's way of
saying you're making too much money." Mick Miller. "Reality is just a
crutch for people who can't cope with drugs." "The best pitch I
ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street
dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man.
I got the stuff that killed Belushi."
Smoking related quotes "Giving up smoking
is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands
of times." "I never smoked a
cigarette until I was nine." "I smoke ten to fifteen
cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something." "I'm not really a heavy
smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now." "I make it a rule
never to smoke while I'm sleeping." "A woman is an occasional
pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke." "Smoking kills. If
you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Drink related quotes "The problem with the world
is that everyone is a few drinks behind." "You're not drunk
if you can lie on the floor without holding on." "Always do sober what
you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
"If God had intended us
to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs." "When I read about
the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." "Without question,
the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant
you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go
nearly as well with pizza." "People who drink
light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot."
"I drink to make other
people interesting." "An intelligent man
is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." "I'm not a heavy drinker,
I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop." "Not all chemicals
are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there
would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." "My dad was the town drunk.
Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?" "I drink therefore I am."
"An alcoholic is anyone
you don't like who drinks more than you do." "Reality is an illusion
created by a lack of alcohol." "I'd rather have a
full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy." "I once shook hands
with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up." "I know I'm drinking
myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry." "He once had his toes
amputated so he could stand closer to the bar." "I drink too much.
The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it." "Prohibition is better
than no liquor at all." "Real ale fans are
just like train-spotters, only drunk." "I am a drinker with
writing problems." "I've stopped drinking,
but only while I'm asleep." "What I like to drink
most is wine that belongs to others." "If I had to live my life
over, I'd live over a saloon." "I feel sorry for people
who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going
to feel all day." "The difference between
a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings."
"A tavern is a place where
madness is sold by the bottle." "The answer to life's
problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV." "Work is the curse
of the drinking classes."
Death related quotes "Sure, there have
been deaths and injuries in boxing, but none of them serious." "Martyrdom: The only
way a man can become famous without ability." "It's not that I'm
afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying." "I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch." "Always go to other people's
funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours." "Death is a low chemical
trick played on everybody except sequoia trees." "Dying is a very dull, dreary
affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it." "Early to rise and early
to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead." "Everybody wants to go to
heaven, but nobody wants to die." "He had decided to live
forever or die in the attempt." "I am ready to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
"Death is one of the few
things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and
death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun
of you." "All our knowledge merely
helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing." "A single death is a tragedy,
a million deaths is a statistic." "Eternal nothingness is
fine if you happen to be dressed for it." "Everything is drive-through.
In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box." "In this world, nothing
is certain but death and taxes." "The fear of death is the
most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's
dead." "I wouldn't mind dying -
it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me." "It's impossible to experience
one's death objectively and still carry a tune." "For if he like a madman
lived, At least he like a wise one died." "Death does not concern
us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we
no longer exist." "Am I lightheaded because
I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?" "After I'm dead I'd
rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one."
If you like these quotes then try this link for some more People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people. For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks. Grand Viziers were always scheming megalomaniacs. It was probably in the job description: "Are you a devious, plotting, unreliable madman? Ah, good, then you can be my most trusted advisor." If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying "End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH", the paint wouldn't even have time to dry. Probably the last sound heard before the Universe folded up like a paper hat would be someone saying "What happens if I do this?" "It demonstrates the friendly alliance between the University and the civil government which, I may say, seems to consist of their promising to do anything we ask provided we promise not to ask them to do anything." Everywhere I've been in Manhattan the streets are called Walk and Don't Walk. That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?" The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo. The days followed one another patiently. Right back at the beginning of the multiverse they had tried all passing at the same time, and it hadn't worked. The vermine is a small black and white furry creature, much famed for its pelt. It is a more careful relative of the lemming; it only throws itself over small pebbles. First, she had to find out his name. The old peel-the-apple trick should do that. You just peeled an apple, getting one length of peel, and threw the peel behind you; it'd land in the shape of his name. Millions of girls had tried it and had inevitably been disappointed, unless the loved one was called Scscs. The only curse they could afford to put on a tomb these days was "Bugger Off". By and large, the only skill the alchemists of Ankh-Morpork had discovered so far was the ability to turn gold into less gold. They were the kind of mountains where winters went for their summer holidays. No one ever went hungry when they had some dwarf bread to avoid. You only had to look at it for a moment and instantly you could think of dozens of things you'd rather eat. Your boots, for example. Mountains. Raw sheep. Your own foot. And it would be a lazy use of the language to say that the thing that answered the door was a nightmare. Nightmares are usually rather daft things and it's very hard to explain to a listener what was so dreadful about your socks coming alive or giant carrots jumping out of the hedgerows. Witches generally act as layers-out of the dead as well as midwives; there were plenty of people in Lancre for whom Nanny Ogg's face had been the first and last thing they'd ever seen, which had probably made all the bit in the middle seem quite uneventful by comparison. The maze was so small that people got lost looking for it. Something as artificial and human as an hour wouldn't last five minutes here. It would be dried out and shrivelled up in seconds. The only curses of his that stood a chance of working were on the lines of "May you get rained on at some time in your life," and "May you lose some small item despite the fact that you put it there only a moment ago." Sergeant Colon had had a broad education. He'd been to the School of My Dad Always Said, the College of It Stands To Reason, and was now a post-graduate student of the University of What Some Bloke In The Pub Told Me. Kids! Bringing about Armageddon can be dangerous. Do not attempt it in your home. He was black. Newt always felt guilty in the presence of black Americans, in case they blamed him for two hundred years of slave trading. SCIENCE: A way of finding things out and then making them work. Science explains what is happening around us the whole time. So does RELIGION, but science is better because it comes up with more understandable excuses when it is wrong. "He's a man of few words, and he doesn't know what either of them mean," people said, but not when he was within hearing. |