| Humourous Quotes II |
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(Homepage - http://www.shirleyjbutler.ic24.net)
Here is another load of quotes to keep you busy - Enjoy. Drugs There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence. Cocaine isn't habit-forming. I should know - I've been using it for years. OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into
the jail yard. I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake - which
I also keep handy. Avoid all needle drugs - the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon. Drink He neither drank, smoked, nor rode a bicycle. Living frugally, saving
his money, he died early, surrounded by greedy relatives. It was a great
lesson to me. Teetotallers lack the sympathy and generosity of men that drink. If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually
live longer; it just seems longer. My experience through life has convinced me that, while moderation and
temperance in all things are commendable and beneficial, abstinence from
spirituous liquors is the best safeguard of morals and health. The people who are regarded as moral luminaries are those who forego
ordinary pleasures and find compensation in interfering with the pleasures
of others. I saw a notice which said, 'Drink Canada Dry' and I've just started. Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't
remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it
on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality. No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkenness - or so good as
drink. I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank
her. It is better to hide ignorance, but it is hard to do this when we relax
over wine. Sex Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go
it's one of the best. Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm? I dunno. Ask your father. Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion. Of all sexual aberrations, chastity is the strangest. Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. The good, the bad, the ugly If a nurse approaches
you with her hand behind her back then shout
"Halt, friend or enima." The three most dangerous
things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware
type with a program patch and a user with an idea. In heaven all the
interesting people are missing. If I owned Texas and
Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell. Only when a man's life comes to its end in prosperity dare we pronounce
him happy. There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep
better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. The secret of happiness is not in doing what one likes, but in liking
what one has to do. Life owes us little; we owe it everything. The only true happiness comes
from squandering ourselves for a purpose. We're constantly striving for success, fame and comfort when all we really
need to be happy is someone or some thing to be enthusiastic about. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another
city. The office of government is not to confer happiness, but to give men
the opportunity to work out happiness for themselves. There is no greater sorrow than to recall happiness in times of misery. Any excuse will serve a tyrant. Under conditions of tyranny it is far easier to act than to think. You may talk of the tyranny of Nero and Tiberius; but the real tyranny
is the tyranny of your next-door neighbour. The tyrant dies and his rule ends, the martyr dies and his rule begins. There is no such thing as a good tax. The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. It is good to be without vices, but it is not good to be without temptations. There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest
is cowardice. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological
criminal. We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology,
in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology. Arthur: 'It's at times like this I wish I'd listened to my mother.' Ford
: 'Why, what did she say?' Arthur: 'I don't know, I never listened.' 'My doctor says that I have a malformed public duty gland and a natural
deficiency in moral fibre,' he muttered to himself, 'and that I am therefore
excused from saving Universes.' Never make a defence or apology before you be accused. We ask advice, but we mean approbation. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't. If your strength is small, don't carry heavy burdens. If your words are
worthless, don't give advice. Our virtues are most frequently but vices disguised. Many receive advice, few profit by it. I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find
out what they want and then advise them to do it. As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days
saved up. Oscar Wilde I always wanted to be somebody. I guess I should have been more specific. Animals If you put a billion monkeys in front of a billion typewriters typing
at random, they would reproduce the entire collected works of Usenet in
about...five minutes. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. A Robin Redbreast in a Cage / Puts all Heaven in a Rage. That's the wise thrush; Whenever you observe an animal closely, you feel as if a human being
sitting inside were making fun of you. A cat will look down to a man. A dog will look up to a man. But a pig
will look you straight in the eye and see his equal. I confess freely to you, I could never look long upon a monkey, without
very mortifying reflections. Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass
no criticisms. The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated. To his dog, every man is Napoleon. Hence the constant popularity of dogs. A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. Barking dogs seldom bite. The bluebird carries the sky on his back. In ancient egypt, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten
this. America and Americans I had always loved beautiful and artistic things, though before leaving
America I had had a very little chance of seeing any. We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second
to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball
countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like
it. I say violence is necessary. It is as American as cherry pie. It is one of the paradoxes of American literature that our writers are
forever looking back with love and nostalgia at lives they couldn't wait
to leave. War is not nice. There is nothing the matter with Americans except their ideals. The real
American is all right; it is the ideal American who is all wrong. I would rather be right than be President. America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly
from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilisation. A truly American sentiment recognises the dignity of labour and the fact
that honour lies in honest toil. The chief business of the American people is business. The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey
their children. Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel
libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves. Americans, indeed all freemen, remember that in the final choice, a soldier's
pack is not so heavy a burden as a prisoner's chains. We grew up founding our dreams on the infinite promise of American advertising. America is a mistake, a giant mistake. Among all the world's races ... Americans are the most prone to misinformation.
This is not a consequence of any special preference for mendacity....
It is rather that so much of what they themselves believe is wrong. The only foes that threaten America are the enemies at home, and these
are ignorance, superstition and incompetence. |