I have put a number of animated gifs on this page, so if you don't see some of the pictures animating on this page then your browser doesn't support animated gifs. If this is the case then you are losing out on a damned good larf. In fact, just so that you know which are the animated gifs, I have marked them for you.

I'm one of these people who don't see much humour in the so called comedians these days. Quite often they aren't funny, and to be honest they raise very little (if anything at all) in the way of laughter from me. Well, I was always given to believe that humour makes you laugh. Perhaps I've been living under a misapprehension all these years.

Wasn't it Al Capone who said "We laugh because it's funny and we laugh because it's true." This is right because humour is built upon tragedy or misfortune being inflicted on someone else, and it's only funny when that someone else is not us. Humour and misfortune is a double edged sword because someone else's problems and tragedy is always funny. However, our own misfortune and problems must always be treated gently as they are not funny.

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This animated gif is funny

Alternative comedy is something that I prefer to ignore. Have you ever noticed that when they introduce an alternative comedian they announce that they are very funny. That is so that people will know that they are supposed to laugh at them. In my opinion, the alternative comedian should make the following statement to every audience that they appear before. "I am an alternative comedian because I am not funny enough, witty enough or intelligent enough, or have adequate delivery or timing, to be able to make people laugh in the normal way. I have to use bad language and talk about bodily functions to even raise a titter. In other words I have no talent and I am a total waste of time. So if you want to waste your time listening to me then it's your own fault."

It would be the equivalent of the smoking warning that is displayed on packets of cigarettes.

Cruelty to animals is not funny
Personally I find so-called humour that uses cruelty towards animals is sick. People wouldn't find cruelty towards a baby funny so why find it funny when it involves an animal. Quite frankly, jokes that use cruelty to animals to get a laugh should not be allowed because such jokes only belittle the grave tragedy of the situation, and the people who use such jokes are as sick as the person who created the joke. I get the impression that there is a naiive common belief amongst human kind that animals don't feel pain like people, therefore people think it doesn't matter if animals are cruelly treated in life and in humour. Personally I believe it is wrong to deny or belittle the importance of any life be it birds, animals or people.

An apt definition of bullfighting - GET IT BANNED!

Should the piss be taken out of religion?
Of course it should, it begs to have the piss took out of it. Religion is so full of bigotry it is tailor-made for the purpose of humour.

I care little or nothing about religion because it is a man-made thing that has been designed to segregate people into different little groups to make them different, apart from the others, despite the general concensus that all roads lead to god. Religion creates bigotry and is, has been, used by the unscrupulous to control the masses. Bear in mind though, that there is a difference between one's faith and one's religion. I have often thought that religion has very little to do with faith and belief. We all have our own faiths and beliefs whether they are tied up with God, the strength of nature, the bottom of a bottle or what. Religion is only a label we give to to groups of people who believe the same thing and to enforce those beliefs and faiths because that's where strength is - strength in numbers.

Personally I don't feel that I need the illusion of belief and faith made strong by the strength of others. If my belief and faith cannot stand up by itself then it is wortless, it is counterfeit. If I cannot be strong in myself, then belief and faith that has strength obtained only from association with others is no real belief and faith at all.

Religion and the Bible have been used throughout the centuries by the church to hold power over people and as a form of repressing the ignorant and the witless. The person(s) who translated the Bible translated it to be biased to his own beliefs, to say what he wanted it say, to mean what he wanted it to mean. To me religion is very meaningless. As far as I am concerned religion is fair game to take the piss out of, however, one's faith is another matter because what is in one's heart is very different to what is spewed out in religious preachings.

It is quite amazing the things that man does in the name of God, or in the name of religion, and I am sure that God would not approve of any of them - but man is that vain and ignorant. How many wars have been fought as holy or religious wars? How many troups have been blessed by the church? How many countries believe they have God on their side when they go to war? How can so-called religious people believe such things when one of the most sacred commandments is "Thou shalt not kill", another is "Thou shalt not bear false witness". How many religions and churches have a financial interest and investment in Armourments sales?

The Jehova Witlesses, er, I mean, Jehova Witnesses, are the real Godfathers of being taken the piss out of. And let's face it nobody wants these witless bastards knocking on our doors, so why do they persist in calling on people. How many people pretend they are out when the JWs turn up knocking at the door? How many people tell them to shove off? How many people offer them more than a bit of verbal abuse? These JWs must be masochists because they keep coming back for more, and people are quite happy to give them more. Some JWs try and tell us that it is a proof of their faith that makes them persist in order to spread the word, personally I think it is a proof of their stupidity. It's probably quite a funny sight to see people setting the dog on them - which goes some way to illustrate that these JWs are quite fit and can really run, which is quite amusing - but it's even funnier when the dog catches them. The JWs seem to like it however because I saw a JW who was holding onto a dog by using the seat of his trousers - and that JW would not let go.

I have never discriminated against religions, I hold them all with equal contempt. However. It does depend on what I am doing, or the mood I am in when they knock on my door, as to how severely I tell them to bugger off. The thing is I hate these stupid people who turn up on my doorstep and want to discuss Jesus Christ and religion with me and to try and turn me on to their religion. What makes them think I need people to turn up on my doorstep and try and convince me in my own time that I should believe what they believe and have the privalege to pay a percentage of my wages to them into the bargain. Do they imagine that I am so mentally challenged? and in so being I can't make up my own mind as to whether I believe in Jesus or God? And to be honest what has it got to do with them whether I take Jesus to be my saviour or not, or whether I actually need to take Jesus as my saviour. I am a free spirit with my own beliefs.

I mean, do I have a sign permanently implanted on my head that says "Here is my address, please feel free to come round anytime and give me hassle on my own doorstep, and to please come back again even if I tell you to bugger off". If I haven't then why do the f-ing Evangalists, Mormen and Jehovah Witnesses home in on me like flies round a piece of horse whoopsy.

But does God actually exist? If God does exist then I would say that he has a sense of humour, he made man and woman - didn't he? And if we are vain enough, stupid enough, and paranoid enough, to believe that we are made in Gods image then I would say that we deserve to have the urine extracted. Quite frankly when you think about it, God is the powerful and all seeing being who created everything. Do you seriously think that God would look anything like us and not do something about it, and if he does look anything like us then I certainly don't think he would advertise the fact by making millions of copies of himself and admitting to the whole thing.

Who and what does and doesn't make me laugh?
Instant Sunshine, Five Penny Piece, Richard Digence, Ken Dodd, Les Dawson, Dick Emery, Tommy Cooper and Lee Evans. Monty Pythons Flying Circus also makes me laugh. The Goons rarely made me laugh, I don't think I was ready for their humour when they were about - and I still don't think I am, even today. I used to like the radio when they had programmes like "Around The Horne", "The Navy Lark", "I'm Sorry I'll read that again", all really brilliant humour. Some of the old television programmes like Michael Bentine's "It's a Square World" did make me laugh a lot, but then again Michael was a very funny person to listen to outside of The Goons.

Below is some of the kind of humour that I like, quick fire, improbable, with a good bit of wit and without the tasteless filth - but with a little touch of smut in here and there for good measure. A little harmless smut never hurt anyone, did it? Ahhh, sod it, who cares.

How many

Q.  How many rugby playing students does it take to change a lightbulb

A.  30.  Ten to figure out how to change it, and twenty more to make up a song about how they shagged the socket.

Q.  How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb

A.  4.  One to change it, and three more to sing about how good the old one was.

Q.  How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb

A.  5.  One to change it, and four more to share the experience.

Q.  How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb

A.  It only takes one, but the lightbulb has really got to want to change.

Q.  How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb

A.  13.  One to stand on the chair and grasp the lightbulb, and 12 more to rotate the chair.

The distressed owner wailed "are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes but shrugged, turned round and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador.

As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet, shook his head and barked.

The vet fussed the dog, took it out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who jumped up and also sniffed the bird on the table. The cat sat back, shook its head and meowed. It then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said,your parrot is dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, produced a bill and handed it to the woman.

Still puzzled, the parrot's owner took the bill and looked at it."£150!" she cried. "Just to tell me my bird is dead?! That's ridiculous!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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Bulls rule ok, Fathead!

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "

"Is it common? "

"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" and he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

That'll teach him not to go so damned fast

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and He said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cannibals watching a couple of missionaries going through the jungle on a tandem. One cannibal said to the other "Look, meals on wheels"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks, so they charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

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• Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack gets titbit
  
  
• Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth
  
  
• Passionate kiss like spider's web - lead to undoing of fly
  
  
• Man who fight with wife all day gets no piece at night
  
  
• Virginity like balloon - one prick, all gone
  
  
• Baseball all wrong - man with four balls can't walk
  
  
• Man who live in glass house, dress in basement
  
  
• Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok
  
  
• Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent
  
  
• Man who go to sleep with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand